First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
