is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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