Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize