he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
