This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
