You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize