Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
