dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
