We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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