I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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