he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
