i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
