I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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