You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
