If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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