From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
