dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Congratulations! We have a period
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