So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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