if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
