Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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