I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize