It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
