My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
