I love black thongs
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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