he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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