I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
either way he was missing a nipple.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
