My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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