are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize