just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
