you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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