you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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