don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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