Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Drake has all the answers
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
