I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
