i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
false alarm, still single
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
