i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
