I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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