so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
