Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
