i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
there is glitter all over my balls
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