What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
