The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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