Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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