i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
