Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
