someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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