when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
