My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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