my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
