I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
