woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
