the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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