guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
