I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
