Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
