I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize