My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm sobbing to NWA
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize