did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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