I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
