this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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