I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
