She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
