One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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